Gap Year

If any of you are considering a gap year, let me give you some pro's and cons. 

Pro's:
1. You will actually and honestly find out so much more about yourself (if you have a disorder, you find this by doing little things, and if you don't, you find this by travelling, working etc.)
2. You will gain confidence as an outcome of point 1
3. You learn to get by without your friends close to you, in an environment that you choose (not like at uni where everything is overwhelming)
4. You live at home another year

Cons:
1. You will miss your friends. And it will be hard, but this, as will everything else, gets better with time (been on my gap year for +- 6 months, and i feel like i am a strong independent woman)
2. It will put you into the reality of real life sooner than at uni (uni is like school for grown ups (literally) and a gap year is not at school, and unless you shut yourself in your own home 24/7, you have to go into the real world (work, travel, make friends etc))
3. You live at home for another year

A short but sweet post!
Love y'all,

Adrianna

Update Time + Therapy help

Hello everyone who reads my blog, welcome back!

I have been very absent from my blog for the past month, and I'm not happy about that. I've had a few things happen in my personal life (most of them relating to anxiety) that have caused me to have a rollercoaster full of emotions the past few weeks. Certain things I was not able to do, which meant that I got very down about my anxiety, especially because it had been going so well up until then. Setbacks can be extremely nasty, as they can make you believe that you have lost all that you have learnt.

But you have to remember two things:
1 - You got better until this point, therefore you will be able to get better again
2 - A setback is a setback because you managed to make progress before (otherwise this would just be another failure)

Recovery from anything is most often two steps forward, one step back. In some cases, like my situation right now, this step back can be a very large step, but you must never give up and get back on the road with teeny tiny steps in the right direction.

People who aren't very empathetic or haven't experienced a difficult time in their lives relating to your personality or brain, can and often will insult your progress. "You aren't trying hard enough" or "You just have to get over it" or "What the hell are you doing now?" are things we hear a lot. Yet we have to shut those voices out (as hard as it is we have to try - although you will not always be successful) and either give them a stern talk and explain what you are going through (probably for the 100th time) or rely on your own strength to hear past them. You are doing the best you can, and each step in the right direction, no matter how small, is the right way forward.

I am writing this for not only my readers, but also for myself. I find that blogging and journalling and writing my thoughts down is very relaxing and therapeutic and I highly recommend it if you have something you wish to work on or work out in your own life. Speaking of therapy, please let me know if you have tried any alternative therapies for anxiety, panic disorder, phobias and more. I have undergone CBT and found that although it helped me, it was not enough or what I was really looking for. I am now considering and in the process of starting mindfulness, and have bought books on ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy), and am looking into EMDR therapy. Please let me know your experiences with those or others.

I would love to hear how any of you are doing right now, cause sometimes you just need an anonymous place to talk.

Love you all!!
Adrianna

This book I read: Origin by Jessica Khoury *NO spoilers*

Origin by Jessica Khoury

I love reading books. However, for the past two years I had been stuck in a bit of a rut with books, as, due to multiple reasons, I only re-read books and never finished a new book. So this summer, it was my goal to read some new books, and by doing so FINALLY get out of the book rut I was in. I started off by reading Dream a Little Dream by Giovanna Fletcher, which was slightly out of my comfort zone when it comes to books (being the very typical post-apocolyptic novel loving teen) but I surprised myself by actually really enjoying it. After finishing that book, I actually felt some sadness that it was over, and so reworded myself with reading a new book that was in my comfort zone: Origin. I didn't know anything about this book other than that the main girl was Immortal and that she found a way to escape into the jungle (from what I had no idea).

Storyline: 4.5/5

Now, I am guilty of loving books that have a strong female lead anyways (**Cough** Hunger Games, Divergent, The Testing **Cough**) so that part immediately gripped me. I don't know if its the fact that I can relate to them because I am a similar age and the same gender or what, but I really enjoy books with that element in them. Another part of this book that was so refreshing to me was that it was a Young Adult Teen Sci-Fi Alternate Universe (you get what I mean) book, but it WASN'T PART OF A SERIES. I was becoming so sick of always having to read 3+ books before I find out what ends up happing to the main character in the long run, and so reading Origin made me super happy. Don't get me wrong, I think that the aforementioned books are partly so great because they go so in depth with the plot and characters, but every once in a while you need to just keep it short and sweet. Now upon further investigation, there are more novels by Khoury about the same world Pia (main character) lives in, but they are "accompanying novels, not sequels or prequels". This means you can read more if you like, but if you are done, the story is too. 

Anyways, onto the actual storyline. The story is about Pia, a girl who was bred to be immortal by a group of scientists in the Amazon rainforest. One day, she meets someone who is not from her compound, and, seeing as she is not allowed to know anything about the outside world, is huge. That is where I will leave it for the plot, that should be enough to get anyone hooked. The storyline moves at an satisfyingly appropriate pace, not fast to the point where you are unable to follow, yet at the same time not slow so that you are bo-hoooored. The reason why it is half a point away from being 5/5, is that, although exciting incidents happen throughout the book, the large large event happens relatively close to the end. The storyline is perfect for this book, it's just that I am used to many different big events happening at the beginning or middle of a book (the choosing of the factions in Divergent, or the start of the Hunger Games for example). The plot is gripping, exciting, and, without too much effort, makes you think of what you would do in that position.

Writing: 5/5

Quality of writing I find is so, so subjective, and where adults usually find the hate for young adult books. If a book is made for young adults, then obviously the language used and way of writing will be aimed at teens. Khoury did an excellent job on writing from a teen girls perspective, one that really isn't shallow but grown up, as she is kind of a super human raised by and only surrounded by adults. This maturity shows not only in her actions, but also in her way of speaking and thinking, and it is something I very much appreciated in Origin. Katniss, for example, can be very immature and speak and think so, whereas Pia is the opposite, whilst still maintaining the voice of a young woman. 

As this novel is set in a scientific compound in the Amazon, Khoury also does an excellent job of incorporating jargon from their world (the binomial nomenclature of native animals and plants, scientific methods, and an I believe fictional language of a native Amazonian tribe) and still making it easy to read for normal people like me, without making me feel stupid or have no idea what is going on.

Would I read it again and recommend it?

Yes, and yes. In fact I already have recommended it to I think most of my friends. The easy-readness of it combined with a plot that everyone will find interesting to some degree is what makes the book so great. I may venture into the other books about the same world, and if I like them as much as I liked Origin, you will certainly hear about it.

Let me know if you liked reading book reviews, and if you have any books you think I might like, leave them down below.

'Till next time!

Adrianna

My Top 5 Beauty Brands

My favourite brands in beauty

   

1. Chanel

Without a doubt, Chanel is my number one favourite brand for make-up (although on any list of mine they would probably make at least the top 3). Although it is ridiculously expensive to purchase ANY product of theirs, it is so so worth it in my opinion. I'm not saying to buy your entire make-up collection from them, but a few staple pieces to have can benefit your make-up bag massively! In terms of their foundations, I think no other can match it. Yes, there are dupes, but personally I don't think they match Chanel's quality. With the smallest quantity you can cover the biggest surface, and thus the products last very long, sort of justifying the money spent on it. My own foundation (you can see it in my "what's in my make-up bag" post) has last me 1 year and around 4 months, and is showing no sign of being empty. I'm also a huuge fan of their lipsticks and lip glosses. Apart from a super creamy and nourishing formula, the colour range is right up my alley.

2. Revlon

Revlon is one of those brands that I feel is bit underrated. It has high end quality products whilst being of affordable prices. My favourite products include their nail polishes and lip butters. Revlon nail polishes are amazing quality, have big (but not too big) brushes for easy application, last for a really long time, and have really nice and thick consistency, making application easy as you only need one coat for it too look good. Revlon was also the first brand to come out with the now super hip lip butters, and I can honestly say they are my favourite. The packaging is super cute, the product itself is really moisturising, and again I find the range of colours to be perfect for what I like. The Colourburst Lip Lacquer are also suuper moisturising and, especially the matt ones, have really intense pigmentation. Overall, this brand one of my favourites not only because of their products, but also because of the low prices.

   

3. MAC

I'm pretty sure MAC products will be on everyone's top list of make-up and beauty brands. It is on the slightly more expensive side, yet the products are again really good quality. The reason why for me MAC is in third and not second, is that the Studio Fix powder, although seriously the best face/foundation product I've ever used, it breaks me out. My skin feels all weird about a half hour after I put it on, and the next morning BAM, spots. I kept applying it for a long time though because of the amazing coverage it gives and the flawless finish it leaves on your face. MAC brushes are also very good, although I find them too expensive to buy them for myself ( I thus only own one). MAC Paintpots are mainly the only eyeshadows I really use on a daily basis, the application is so nice and creamy, and the colours are so pretty meaning you can use them on their own. And, of course, let's not forget about their lipsticks. Gorgeous formulation, really good pigmentation and super sleek packaging.

4.  Rimmel

Again, a LOT of people love Rimmel, and rightly so. It is ridiculously cheap and has good quality products. I mainly use their nail polishes and Wake Me Up concealer. Rimmel nail polishes surprised me. Although the formula is quite runny and thin, after applying two coats it looks just as good as any, and without too much fuss. Their relatively new Kate Moss nail polishes are my favourites, as the colour range I think is fantastic, especially their summer collection. In terms of the concealer, it is no secret to the beauty world that the Wake Me Up foundation and concealer combo are great. And I agree. I haven't tried their foundation yet because for years I've been stuck to MAC and Chanel ones and am perfectly happy staying with those, but I am glad that I gave the concealer a try. The colour is a really nice match for my skin (although in summer I tend to mix it with my Chanel foundation to create the perfect colour for me). However, on its own it works wonders too. If I want a light coverage or just cover up some spots and under eye circles, this is my go to product. The applicator brush (the doe foot or whatever it's called) gives you just enough product so that it is not dripping on your face, and the concealer itself it really moisturising so that you can quickly apply it without having to put a base or moisturiser underneath. 

  

5. Lancôme

I first tried out Lancome products when Emma Watson started modelling for them, being the Harry Potter fan that I am/was at the time. Yet I loved them. I haven't tried a lot from them, and I mainly want to write about their mascaras. I very luckily have very thick and long eyelashes, so when I am looking for a mascara I never want one that is massive or gives massive volume like the Maybeline ones. So when I found the Hypnôse mascaras, I fell in love and have not looked back since. The formula of the mascara is really nice and doesn't dry very fast, and the brushes are relatively small (not compared to No. 7 brushes but compared most mascaras these days it's a nice size. You can build this mascara up to create a super heavy look, but for what I want, I use one, maybe two coats, and it's perfect for an everyday look. Also good if you aren't allowed to wear heavy make-up to school, this is perfect. Bare in mind there are different Hypnôse mascaras, and some may give way more volume than the others. The only downside to this brand is that it is not cheap, but I think it's worth it.

And that's all! As you can see, my taste in make-up brands is fairly on the expensive side, yet I personally think it is worth it with make-up for the reasons presented above.

'Till next time!

Adrianna 

How to: Conquer Mental Health Issues

Everyone's number one tip when writing about something is usually go outside your comfort zone/OR write what you know. Well today I am going to do both. I, like millions of other teenagers and adults all over the world, have struggled with serious mental health issues in the past and present. I would have to loved to end that sentence after 'past', but sadly, mental health doesn't always stay for just a brief moment of time.

I have had depression with a side of suicidal thoughts, and later developed, or at some point overlapping with, anxiety with a side of generalised anxiety and panic disorder. Now I know that many many people deal with these issues, and it seems like anyone today will have had some form of a mental disorder, but that doesn't make them any less painful and difficult to get over. I can honestly say that I have successfully overcome the depression and suicidal thoughts, and am on my way to getting rid of anxiety (although this journey upwards started very recently). I therefore wanted to share some of my wisdom, as when I went through the recovery journeys, I wish there would have been something like this out there from a genuine person, not just an organization, who had overcome it. When you have a mental illness and you have not started the path to recovery, or sometimes even when you have, it can feel extremely lonely and as if you will never get out of what you are feeling.

What I would like to achieve with this post is to tell someone that you. will. get. better. The one main secret is that you have to go so far down first before you can shoot right up. You have to get into the darkness to be able to see the light. And I know that sounds scary, but whenever I have developed a new layer to the mess that is my brain, at some point sooner or later you have to accept yourself. Accept yourself for not only who you are as a person, but who you have become due to your disorder.  Accept the limits your brain has put on you, and be content with it. Accept wherever you may be with your disorder. Only then can you properly and completely heal. If you are constantly hating on your brain/mind, this will not give you the peace you need to be able to heal. So step 1. Accept.

Now I do need to add a little disclaimer in here, in terms of anxiety the above passage is extremely relevant. In terms of depression however, this may be a bit more complicated. If you do have depression, don't let your mind think that you have to reach a suicide attempt before you can heal. That is miles and miles from the truth. Maybe I should separate the tips and steps for the two disorders. However, I do need to add that in my case of depression, it wasn't until the moment that I was in my lowest that I was finally able to start the recovery journey. And boy what a journey that was. So what I mean, is don't be afraid to reach a low point in your life when you have depression. Talk to someone or reach out, but whatever you do, in that low moment of your life, remember this blog post, and remember me saying that it is only after your lowest point in life that you will truly be able to recover. So turn that point around ANY way that you can, and take that as your learning moment and turning moment to recovery.

Now, onto some concrete help.

Depression

1. Get out

I mean this very literally. Get out of bed. Get out of your house. Go on a walk, preferably WITH someone else. Depression is an incredibly lonely disorder, and the more you are able to socialise, the better. And trust me, I know how hard it is to even get out of your bed. It feels like nothing is worth it, nothing will help, and that you'll be happier in your bed/chair/couch. And on the first day, don't go all across the country. Get up and walk around the house. Step outside and sit on the porch/front step/balcony. Day 2, get up out of bed and go on a walk, etc. 

2. Seek company

Again, I know this seems like the last thing you want to do, but depression is best fought by laughter and good company. Seeing other people living their life will most likely make you feel quite bad about your own life, but take this as an inspirational moment. See that it can be done, even for you. Now I know those people will not have it as hard as you, but seeing people doing things/going out/having fun will also reassure you that life is good.

3. Change your lifestyle

Boy, this may be the hardest one of all. It goes hand in hand with the ones above. By this I don't mean your thinking, because that is out of the question given that you have depression. I mean eat well, and exercise. This sounds ridiculous and something that everyone tells you. But I am here to tell you it helps. I gained so much wait during my years with depression because I was eating comfort food all the time and this doesn't help much because that type of food makes you feel tired and druggy, whereas fruits and fresh food will make your body happier. It's a long way from feeling better mentally, but a healthy body is always easier to work with. As for exercise, this is proven scientifically and practically that it helps you. Don't run on your own, join a team sport or a gym and take classes. Sport not only makes you feel better, it again creates a healthier body and makes you get up. 

Little tips:

4. Change something in your life - if you are largely affected by the environment around you and you are fortunate enough to change that, do it. Cutting certain people out of your life can be amazing too. 

5. Read books and watch television - this gives you a break from your mind

6. Don't be afraid to accept yourself - you can live with depression and you will get over it

7. Never, ever, ever, ever, give in to suicidal thoughts - as soon as you even think "Oh, that knife could be used to cut my wrists" whip it away and out of your mind. DONT. there is another way. 

Anxiety

Bare in mind, panic disorder and generalized anxiety are treated very differently, at least by me. I will try to be specific with tips relating to both. 

1. Give yourself some time

This one is largely related to panic disorder. The number one thing that therapists and people tell you is to never stop doing what you love, and rightly so, however sometime you are in too deep and you need a break. Give this break to yourself to gather some strength, and try again later. This is kind of where I am at the moment. Whether this be a week, month or a few months, take what you need. Yet do be productive in that time. Meditate, learn a sport, begin to trust yourself again and know your own body. Then when you are ready you can begin to take little steps toward your old life. This may be the hardest thing you have ever done, saying no to the majority of things, yet know it will benefit you in the future. 

2. Do not be afraid to cut certain substances out of your life

This one is more related to generalised anxiety, but is definitely of importance in panic disorder too. Generalised anxiety means you are feeling anxious for no apparent reason most of the time and also getting panic attacks at 'random' moments. For this reason it is important to cut down on things that you know can trigger anxious feelings or even a panic attack itself. For me I cut down on gluten, and stopped taking anything with caffeine or alcohol, including tees, coffee, and any form of drink. This may seem like the end of the world and will be upsetting, but it will help you so much. plus there are mocktails, caffeine free tees and decaf coffee. - another that may be of relevance to any girls/women out there, I have researched and personally noticed that taking the pill can massively negatively impact your mental health, especially when it comes to anxiety, so I have stopped taking that now.

3. Get a therapist and seek out a doctor

I am currently seeing a therapist and have spoken to my doctor about options many times. I think you should at least give both a go and see what each can do for you. If nothing comes of it, so be it, but you know you tried. I have been in therapy for a few sessions now and I don't love it, but it is definitely better than nothing, plus you have to sometimes find the therapist that works for you, don't ever settle (I've seen many, many possible therapists for a initial consultation- they are usually free too). I have also, when suffering from generalised anxiety, been on beta blockers, because my symptoms then were mostly and largely physical. These regulate your heart rate, meaning your bodily  symptoms such as fast & irregular heart rate and palpitations will mostly disappear. There are however many other options out there, and do not be afraid to research/ask for them. I am currently working on my panic disorder without them (because that can be done I promise you, and you won't get all the nasty side effects) but if this is the right path for you, take it. 

Little tips:

4. Don't let anyone affect your opinion of yourself - surround yourself with the right people. I know this may be difficult (parents etc), but if someone does not get it and is making you feel bad about your issues, try and avoid them as much as possible

5. Believe in yourself - I have been in the darkest pits regarding anxiety, thinking it will never go away for me, that I am the 1% of people who don't recover. STOP that thinking. All you need is one good day (this can be achieving a goal or just staying home and feeling good) to give you hope for the rest of your journey (this is where I am now, thus able to write this post, which I would not have been able to a few days ago). You will recover.

6. Research - read books, websites, watch videos on your anxiety disorder. Knowledge is power, and power may be just what you need to get through your day/get on that train/enter that room full of colleagues

7. Get a routine - nothing can cause more anxiety than not knowing what is going to happen. Whether this is your time out or not, set some kind of routine and stick to it. Wake up at a certain time, have breakfast go on a walk, read something, start the day. You will have had a good morning of not panicking because you had to wake up and focus on other things.

8. Write it down - get a little book especially for anxiety and if you do feel anxious, write it down and then put it away. 

Depression and anxiety recovery

There is a great website that helped to give me some inspiration to keep fighting and I will link it at the end. A few things of that website and a few things from myself that I want to say to you about recovery are these:

• Recovery is often 1 step forward, 2 steps back
• Recovery is up and down
• Do not be afraid of a setback, they will happen and each time you will feel more equipped to deal with them
• This applies to both anxiety and depression, but the first two a bit more towards the first: 4 steps to recovery: 
• Breath
• Meditate - I'm learning this now, once you are open and ready for it the results are AMAZING
• Hobbies 
• Exercise

And that's all - pfffew that's a long post.

Well I hope this helped a lot of you and that you will continue fighting each day. I may do another one of these later, because I am sure there are many more tips I have for you. Remember, I'm struggling with it, someone else is too, and we will all get there together, you are not alone.

Thank you so much for reading this and please leave any more tips in the comments. Remember, go outside everyday, fresh air and a walk/cycle will do wonders for your body. 

Much love,

Adrianna

***Website: http://www.itsjustafeeling.co.uk/set_backs